What to do with widowhood?

How to face widowhood

The best way to face widowhood is to try to accept the facts, without being tempted to return again and again to the past to change what can no longer be modified. You also have to increase self-care and give time to time

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The final loss of the spouse or the partner is a specific and complex type of grieving. Facing widowhood is a difficult process and it implies a great change in our expectations and our lifestyle. When you live as a couple, whether you want one or not, you always think and live in terms of "two." Suddenly, that ends.

As in every duel, not only does the loss count in itself, but also the circumstances in which it occurs. A challenge is to face widowhood at 30 and another very different to do it at 70. Likewise, one thing is to definitely lose the couple after a disease process and another to do it when death suddenly comes.

It also influences, of course, the link that existed with the spouse. Paradoxically, more complicated relationships tend to generate more complex duels. Facing widowhood without having solved substantive problems with the couple introduces additional difficulties.

"You are no longer there where you were, but you are wherever I am."

-Víctor Hugo

The first feelings when facing widowhood

Usually the first thing that is experienced when losing the couple is a deep confusion. This includes feelings of denial, confusion and disbelief. When you lose someone with whom we live daily and with whom, good or bad, we have built a life project, many of us also die with that person.

Every time a loved one dies, a great emptiness arises in us and we feel a deep nostalgia for what was and is no longer. However, in the case of the couple, this covers up to minimum aspects. We have to relearn small things, like sleeping without the other side, making family decisions without consulting him; It is even difficult not to have anyone to quarrel.

Because of this interdependence, it is usual to experience the feeling of not knowing who you are and not knowing what to do from there on. The presence, and now the absence of that person, is everywhere. This increases restlessness and anguish. Therefore, that first stage of the duel is not easy.

The risks of facing widowhood

There are people who have a higher risk of pathological grief when facing widowhood. Some characteristics lead them to be particularly vulnerable in these circumstances. These factors intensify feelings of disability and make it more difficult to overcome the loss.

The characteristics that determine this greater vulnerability are the following:

Low or unstable socioeconomic status. If the person has financial deficiencies, many debts or unresolved financial problems, they will tend to feel more strongly the loss of their spouse.

Absence of close family. The absence of a family support network increases the feeling of disability.

Submission relationship with spouse. The sudden confrontation with one's own individuality can generate fears or feelings of incapacity and abandonment.

Ambivalent feelings towards the spouse. This makes the process of accepting the loss more tortuous.

Introversion and shyness. Those who have difficulty expressing what they feel often make the duel more difficult.

Small children. When there are children in full parenting, facing widowhood is more complex.

Others. The feelings of guilt associated with the spouse, deaths in violent circumstances, the disappearance of the body and previous states of depression are factors that increase the risk of pathological grief.

What to do with widowhood?

There is no perfect and timely formula for dealing with widowhood, but there are behavior guidelines that can help in that difficult trance. The first of these is to try to accept what happened, without feeding ideas about what could have been different, compared to what was done or not done. These hypotheses do not lead to anything constructive.

It is necessary to think that the duel is a long process that is not overcome from one day to another. For this reason, we must prepare ourselves to spend time with the feelings of pain present. There is nothing wrong in it. In fact, it is important to accept and respect the fact that we are suffering.The task is to increase self-care: eat well, exercise, try to get enough sleep, etc.

It is good to talk with friends or family about the subject or participate in a support group for people who go through similar situations. If necessary, consult with a psychologist if we see that the pain is very intense and we cannot find the way to overcome it. It is also good to have a medical checkup.

It is not good to make important decisions in the short term. Life has changed and little by little we will find a way to adapt to the new situation, but the relevant decisions must be the result of a leisurely reflection. It is good to rely on activities that we like and people we like. The duel needs, among other elements, time.